tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8357424459097777256.post9088432999417343135..comments2014-05-15T17:11:56.364-04:00Comments on Blast Area Writing: Assault on Station 39My name is Jeff.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00710012713986022768noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8357424459097777256.post-6271564113483322932014-03-05T08:45:29.588-05:002014-03-05T08:45:29.588-05:00Thanks. This story was really just me trying to p...Thanks. This story was really just me trying to play around a bit with sci fi, and not sure what I was doing. ;) You've got some good suggestions. I'll probably abandon this story and try again with sci fi in the future, and try to incorporate your suggestions in that one.Joshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14011225292134198772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8357424459097777256.post-53635052018584174642014-03-03T22:34:00.333-05:002014-03-03T22:34:00.333-05:00I'm not sure what you're aiming for here i...I'm not sure what you're aiming for here in some places... in some places it almost reads like a parody of high tension doomsday machine sci-fi. If you're doing that -- great! If not, try pulling back some. The tension you want to create is best drawn through a sieve of restraint. Cut back on adverbs and adjectives. Let the action do the telling. <br /><br />Is there more to this story? If so, let us know more about Commander Moore. In the first bit, let us stay with him a little longer. Paragraph 2 shifts to omniscient third person too quickly... third person is ok, but leave us in his shoes a little longer. Let us think as he thinks. -- "The men were edgy before this had started. Someone leaked their location -- someone Moore planned to throttle in his sleep some day. Codename Destroyer was above top secret. Only a few even knew the remote outpost existed, and fewer why. That hadn't stopped the Kardin Fleet's arrival three days ago... the last time Moore had any sleep before the constant barrage of rockets cratered the surface of their camouflaged armor plating." And so on. More details! And details that Moore would think to add.<br /><br />After introducing Moore, don't use his rank title every time you mention him. Mix it up a little. If you keep hammering it, it makes it seem like the "Commander" part is an unusually important part of his identity. If he can be "Moore" or "Rex" (just making up a manly first name) or even just "Commander" when a subordinate refers to him, each of these names tells us more about him, how he thinks about himself, how others relate to him.<br /><br />Same with "Codename Destroyer". Things that have codenames usually are not referred to by the fact that they have codenames on every mention. Eventually, you just call the thing "MKULTRA" or whatever, and drop the "Codename" part of it, unless there's a secret reason to keep calling it "Codename". Then in that case, carry on, and deliver on it sooner rather than later .<br /><br />Also, consider: codenames are often meant to be oblique or even nonsensical references (unless they're thinly disguised PR names like "Desert Storm"). I mean, we don't yet know if this is a destructive thing ... maybe it's a future aibo? But if it is, consider naming it something that's a reference to its background or creation. Where it's from or some facet of its creator. Building in little backstory bits like that pays off in the third act.<br /><br />Keep going. Some foundation is laid now. Build.<br />My name is Jeff.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00710012713986022768noreply@blogger.com